It's Yr Life Page 2
My list of things I like: people who don’t judge.
PS Armani does make dresses. In fact, my mom has one in her closet, but it’s all ripped after … whatever. My life is so privileged and great.
PPS Do your rats have a clock? They seem pretty punctual … Perhaps that’s because there AREN’T any rats. Just a dramatic, racist idiot who thinks he’s going to be a big movie producer one day, but instead will turn into a major asshole like my dad. You think you’re so worthy but guess what? You’re exactly the same as all the materialistic, ego-driven, Hollywood wannabes over here. Hang ten, loser.
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From: Sim [sim@byronshireprogressive.edu.au]
To: Milla Gainsberg [millag@beverlyglengirlshigh.net]
Subject: holy shitballs
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i didn’t know you’d get so fired up. least i’m feelin some juice. no more whining about the maid.
lemme just clear some stuff up:
a) u can’t call someone racist for dissing americans. americans aren’t a race. negro, caucasian, asian. they’re races.
b) i lived in america, in vermont, with foster parents from when i was 3 till i was 7. so i figure i’ve got some right 2 say something about it being stoopid that people sue each other for dumb things in america. they do. and it’s dumb. and now people are starting 2 do it here. doesn’t mean i don’t like america. i love it. any country that invents barack obama, martin scorsese, hip-hop, jessica alba and frisbee is ok by me. (did u guys invent frisbee?) i lived with some pretty crap people when i was there but i’d go back someday. maybe live in nyc or chicago. chicago’s cool.
c) don’t ever call me a scavenger orphan again.
d) not all movies are made 2 sell stuff 2 people. some r made 2 teach people. have u seen gore’s inconvenient truth or dicaprio’s 11th hour or michael franti’s iraq flick? a lotta movies are there 2 make us feel stuff + understand our lives. like stand by me or spike lee’s 25th hour. they’re the kinds of movies i want 2 make. and you won’t be able 2 click on a character’s watch + go 2 gucci.com. maybe www.getup.org.au instead.
e) i don’t want 2 be a producer. i want 2 be a director. i want 2 tell stories. i ain’t a businessman.
f) i found my laptop + camera @ council pickup, when people leave all their old crap in front of their house and dump dudes come get it. i don’t care if u believe me or not.
g) maybe my rats do have a clock cos they do wake me up @ the same time every day. maybe i’ll go up there with a torch and smash the clock.
h) what were u gonna say about yr mum + the armani dress? sounds kind of not good. i’m all ears.
that’s all with the letters and points. i guess i wanna say sorry 4 being a bastard. i just don’t really understand yr world. money. being friends with famous screenwriters and movie producers. hollywood. whatever. it’s not real 2 me but i guess it’s yr life.
anyway. i don’t know where 2 next. r we just gonna fight non-stop for 2 months? i kinda think yr interesting and everything but u really give me the shits as well. maybe this is why neither of us have any real friends. shld we see if we can swap partners or something?
sim
ps what’s with the hardware lock thing? did u seriously not know u can buy a lock from a hardware?
pps if u r interested … i met our new chick lauren this morning. she’s hot. didn’t say anything 2 me but kept looking @ me while i was eating breakfast. giving me these eyes. she either wants action or she’s planning 2 kill me.
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From: Milla Gainsberg [millag@beverlyglengirlshigh.net]
To: Sim [sim@byronshireprogressive.edu.au]
Subject: you’re kidding, right?
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Simon. I’m assuming that’s your full name.
Hope life with your hot smoking bitch is going well. Seeing as you’re dumping my ass, you’ll have plenty of time to preach to her about being a self-righteous planet mender. Maybe she’ll find it slightly less vomit-inducing.
Glad you cleared some stuff up. Yeah, bastard is a good word for you. And sorry about my labels not being accurate. Not a racist? OK. How about a bigot? Just because you lived in Vermont (whoa, heavy – not), it doesn’t mean you can slander my country. That’s what everyone else around the world does and that’s why people are at war.
Haven’t any of you people heard of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation? You know, the guy who invented Microsoft? Hello? THEY are AMERICANS and they help more people around the world than ANYONE ELSE.
http://www.gatesfoundation.org
My country may be the best at slandering other lands, but you guys are right there with us.
Two words: Bush and Howard. Our old leaders. Remember that movie Dumb and Dumber? Need I say more. I don’t know much about your old president (sorry, prime minister) but look what Bush said to him! Found this while I was doing research for debate team.
Below quote from George W. Bush to Prime Minister John Howard referring to Australian troops as ‘Austrian troops’ at the APEC Business Summit, 7 September 2007.
‘As John Howard accurately noted when he went to thank the Austrian troops there last year …’
I know you guys are super busy with your anti-American rallies, but shouldn’t you be having ‘Independence from England’ festivals instead? You’re run by another country on the other side of the world – that’s so totally weird. Do you guys care about the Queen? What does she even do?
Your government sent soldiers into Iraq. Your old leader, Howard, also had issues with immigration and ‘foreigners’. I even saw an article about race riots in Sydney. Apparently the ‘white’ teenagers and the ‘ethnic’ teenagers decided to start a war. Because they didn’t like each other. Because they were a different ‘race’.
And if you think your country is making those choices ’cause of America, think again. They’re not babies. They don’t HAVE to follow. They’re choosing to. How about instead of a LET’S NOT COPY AMERICA rally, have a LET’S STOP FIGHTING rally? Surely you guys are focusing on the wrong thing.
Look, I’m not saying this country is perfect. I know it’s not. But I hate it when other people, especially Australians and English, say how bad the United States is. ’Cause the fact of the matter is, you guys are doing the exact same thing. You’re just blaming us for it all.
Your email really made me mad. And what’s with you saying I don’t have any real friends? I know I was complaining about kids at school but that doesn’t mean I don’t have real friends.
Anyway, whatever. I’m sorry I called you an orphan scavenger. I wasn’t disrespecting; I just thought that’s what you called yourself in the previous email. Didn’t think it would offend you.
Yeah, my mom and dad are messed up and Hollywood is not what you think it is. The glamor stuff is just for the mags. It’s just a normal life like anyone else’s. Ups, downs and screw-ups. The only difference is that people hide their crap better. Or try to. Or hire people to hide it for them. That’s what publicists and lawyers are for. Guess who’s first on my dad’s speed dial? You’d probably say my mom, right? Or our house? Or maybe 911? Nope, it’s his lawyer. First number on his phone. Go figure.
Like I said, he’s a jerk.
JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERK.
I watched Million Dollar Baby on Netflix the other day. Wanted to pick up some boxing skills. Thinking about taking hairplug man down. Ha! Kidding.
I don’t know. I don’t know why my mom puts up with him being such a tool. When she’s with friends she’s really independent, funny and opinionated. When she’s with him she just lets him walk all over her. I don’t get it. Makes me mad.
This is my mom.
Bro’s acting weird. He keeps walking around the house all vagued out. Think he might be a stoner. That would suck. He’s, like, 11.
Once I get out of school I’m going to apply for college somewhere far away. Maybe New York. Maybe I’ll meet you there? Oh, that’s right, you’re dumping me
for another penfriend ’cause I give you ‘the shits’.
Good luck with your life.
Milla
PS Have you seen the website by the guy who asked people to send in postcards of their deepest, darkest secrets? One says, ‘I work at Starbucks. I give decaf to customers who are rude.’ (http://www.postsecret.com) Right now, I’m giving you a cyber cup of decaf.
PPS But my favorite one is: ‘I hate almost everyone but no-one knows.’
PPPS I would tell you what the lock is for, but seeing as you’re dumping me, why bother?
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From: Sim [sim@byronshireprogressive.edu.au]
To: Milla Gainsberg [millag@beverlyglengirlshigh.net]
Subject: dr phil
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millicent. i’m assuming that’s yr full name.
i say this cos it points out how wrong u are in assuming my name’s simon. it’s sim. today. i’ll let u know if it changes.
u still seem angry. why do you hate everyone but no-one knows?
i just reread that line. i guess it kind of makes out that i like everyone. but maybe that’s my secret. maybe i hate most people too.
have u ever thought of e’ing dr phil about some of yr issues? (just a thought. don’t go wild.) yr fam totally sounds like 1 of those families u see on phil when yr chuckin a sickie + trying to avoid detention with Evil Deputy.
(i once faked appendicitis just 2 get out of detention. but they made me go 2 the doctor and i said ow @ the right times so i could have the day off … but then they actually took out my appendix! i lost a fricking body part 2 get out of detention. i’m hardcore baby.)
so phil … phil would say, ‘this family’s on FIRE! it’s an INFERNO! u guys r gonna have to take positive and IMMEDIATE action if u r 2 rise from the ashes of this self-induced disaster.’
anyway … consider phil. might be an option. or have u thought of calling a helpline? i’ve done it b4. can b good.
anyway … i gotta fess up 2 somethin … i did try 2 switch efriends 2day @ school. it was just getting heavy with u + for school aren’t we s’posed 2 be finding out about climate and primary industries in the other country or somethin? aren’t i s’posed 2 be asking if u have bison or mammoths or black bears nearby? anyway, i had no takers. other dudes agreed it all sounded 2 full-on. but in a sick way i’m kinda keen to keep going with u. you’re weird. i’m a total foosball too. we both want to live in nyc (or chicago). maybe we can make this work.
i’ll tell u about straya. (that’s how real aussies pronounce it.)
we got tv down here last week. they reckon by 2020 we’ll have colour tv. but i don’t believe it.
yes, i have a crocodile as a pet, and yes, i’m related to bindi irwin.
no, i haven’t eaten kangaroo, but I think i might start. providing someone chucks one in a dumpster 4 me. (i read a stat today that there are about 170 million kangaroos in this country and only 20 million people.) and i’ve heard they’re delicious raw with a little tabasco or soy.
no, we’re not part of europe. in spite of what yr former president thinks. did he really think we were ‘austria’? and yes we do have an army, a flag and even a national anthem. and it’s not ‘the star-spangled banner’… but i’m sure it will be sometime soon.
can u tell me stuff i don’t know about yr world (maybe a photo of yr hood or yr house or tell me the grossest thing you’ve ever seen.) something 2 lighten the mood and something i can tell my teacher cos she’s on my case.
raj and i just finished watching wolf creek, the aussie movie about the backpackers getting hacked up. it’s pretty frickin scary. it’s 11 @ night now and the wind blows thru this place like a sieve. doors banging, windows rattling. i’m sure i just saw a dude out my window wearing a pig-shooting hat. lauren, the new girl, came home about 10 – halfway through the flick – and watched it with us. she sat super-close 2 me on the couch – arms touching, all her jewellery jingling. she seemed kind of twitchy but she didn’t say anything. the only words she’s said to me in the 2 days since she arrived are ‘where’s the wowie sauce in this place?’ and that was @ 7:30 this morning. freak.
where did ‘hot smokin bitch’ come from? how’d u know she smokes?
she’s leading her first dumpster dive 2morrow night. she’s diggin the freegan vibes.
outy.
sim
ps here’s a pic of our place i took 4 u this arvo.
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From: Sim [sim@byronshireprogressive.edu.au]
To: Milla Gainsberg [millag@beverlyglengirlshigh.net]
Subject: mulholland
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milla?
u out there? been a few days.
guess yr annoyed cos i tried 2 switch huh?
i’m pretty keen 2 hear about life in l.a …. u ever been out 2 joshua tree national park? u ever smashed a mexican pinata @ a birthday party? u ever seen the short film 405 set on the 405 freeway in l.a. (www.405themovie.com)?
u been on many movie sets? which ones? is it true no-one walks anywhere in l.a.? do people really dump bodies up behind the hollywood sign? do the miramax weinstein dudes come over 4 bbqs?
do u really find the ‘save the world’ stuff vomit-inducing? i thought u were down with it? havin a conscience ain’t bad, u hot smoker.
talk 2 me.
s.
ps i reread that email u sent the other day about yr mum’s dress getting ripped. u don’t have 2 tell me if u don’t want, but does yr dad hit yr mum?
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From: Milla Gainsberg [millag@beverlyglengirlshigh.net]
To: Sim [sim@byronshireprogressive.edu.au]
Subject: answers
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HEY SIM
SIM THE THREE LETTER WORD. SIM WHO SHALL FROM HERE ON BE KNOWN AS NOTHING BUT SIM.
GOT IT.
Got your emails. So you tried to dump me, huh? It’s cool. I’d probably have tried to dump you too but I wasn’t thinking about it enough to bother … ’cause I’m a hot smokin’ bitch … not. As if …
What is wowie sauce?
How do you know so much about L.A.? It sounds like you’ve been here and you’re pretending that you haven’t. A’s to your Q’s:
Haven’t seen 405 movie but will scope it out; btw 405 is the most hellish freeway in L.A. Dad refuses to use it.
The Weinsteins probably have been over for barbecues, but I wouldn’t know. I stay out of everyone’s way at those industry parties. I do know they used to promote concerts back East with cool eighties bands. Everyone starts somewhere, you know? Maybe there is hope for you.
Don’t know about bodies dumped behind the Hollywood sign; I’ve never heard of that. I’ll ask Hailey’s dad, he’s a criminal justice lawyer and knows all that kind of stuff.
Yep, seen Joshua Tree. It is cool and the desert is even cooler. Anywhere outside of L.A. is cool. But there are heaps of sketchy people out in the desert. Runaways, crims, etc. They all hide out there. Right now they’re stealing the copper piping from building sites ’cause copper is so valuable. There are HUGE billboards telling them it’s illegal. Like that’s going to stop them.
The windmills are the best bit of the desert. They’re always in movies. I’m pretty sure you can see them in that old eighties movie, Rainman. Ever seen it? Check it out so you can see the windmills and Tom Cruise when he had a really lame hairstyle.
Movie sets? Been on too many. They all blend into one. It’s really just like hanging out in a factory. Noisy, cold and heaps of boring technical crap everywhere.
Gotta go to school; driver is waiting for me out front.
M
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From: Milla Gainsberg [millag@beverlyglengirlshigh.net]
To: Sim [sim@byronshireprogressive.edu.au]
Subject: movember – what the?
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Sim
Back home. Yeah, Dr Phil will fix all my problems – NOT. He’s such a weirdo. He makes sense, but who has a moustache like that? Isn’t that some F
reudian thing? Surely that means something. Something weird and creepy.
My dad used to have a moustache. But he shaved it off when it went gray. LOSER. He’s definitely going through a midlife crisis. Pity it’s all about the way he looks and not the way he treats people. I saw Tita pull a face behind his back the other day when he yelled at her for dusting his laptop. She rocks.
Whoa, speaking of moustaches, your country is weeeeird. Look what I found on the web:
http://www.movember.com/
Growing moustaches for charity is pretty funny. But isn’t that kind of sexist? What do the women do? Oh, hey, apparently America does it too … why have I never heard about it? Guess you Aussies get more juiced up about charity, do-gooder, save-the-earth kinda stuff. (I’m kidding. Don’t even think about responding to this statement.)
Are you old enough to have facial hair? I am. I get it waxed off in West Hollywood, where none of my friends can see me. My upper lip. It hurts like hell. Hailey and Sage both bleach their upper lip hair. When I tried bleaching it went orange and I looked like a freak. So now I just rip it out.
I love that I can tell you this and you can’t tell anyone I know. And seeing as you tried to dump me, I now feel like I can tell you absolutely anything, because you already hate my guts.
It’s not like I’m going to disappoint you that I’m not a hippie planet-mender … OK, so I DO think that’s cool, but I get sick of people giving themselves a pat on the back about it all the time. As Nike says, JUST DO IT.